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UNTERS OF 
; WORST KIN 











‘VOL.1,NO.2 10 | JUNE, 1978 


-H.D. Birns—associate publisher 
Tony Tallarico— editor 
Norman Nebish—pruff reader 
Chasles bnealt eogecte | 





ves ogi ; And the TRASHiest bunch of artists 
ALL THE JUNK U NFIT TO PRINT | and writers in the world 


‘CANTENTS 
WE BUCK BRUISE JENNAR POSTER ...,.......:00.eceeuee 2 
TRASHIFIED ADS... 2. cece eee PEO RR st ae Waa 4 
Cantankerous classified ads 
GROSS ENCOUNTERS OF THE WORST KIND... PANY SI ATA 5 
Now it can be sold 
SUPERB SECOND CLASS........... 0c. cciece eee Lays jeraiee 10 
The only way to go. . .if you must go d 
GON TASK rie ek pelgo eet Kah dreynd ied Oe 12 
Don’t ask 
CREATION 1978 or YE GODS. ...... 0.0.6. c elec cee cceeceues 14 
The new story from The Big Book 
NEW PRODUCTS GUIDE............ Na sieeve eeters papas penkit es .. 20 
Do your early Xmas shopping here 
TRASH BIONIC CRAZE .............0.00000 0s ED pik ieis ate eine 
/ Piece this together | ‘ 
PIAL TRASH sen oe eis Cal ee ea Re ees Maio rey 24 
For those who can't stand a full load ti 
HALFiA HALF TRASH is loca eis ork Oe Me eats 25 
For those who can’t stand a half load 
CONTEST AND UN-CONTEST NEWS................00005 eae: 
S$$$$$$ 
WHAT ABC DID NOT SHOW IN THE. 1977 WORLD SERIES ... 26 
j It’s a good thing they didn’t. 
i FAMOUS X-RAYS............ abate ay aeiaey pats ibtntehs witches roe mee 
Medically X-rated 
TRASH INTERVIEWS THE CELEBRITIES ...... Rate ld Wvitwialadieals 30. 
Famous and infamous alike getit ‘ 
INSIDE A TELEPHONE BOOTH ............0.00 0005 tuna 35 a 
Actual un-retouched photo bi 
MORE TRASH WORLD RECORDS Baiiey ec Fig Ce MC ate ete ee 36 iN 
Fraudulant findings ; @} 
THE GAMES TEENAGERS PIN ied vo praca at olad Sg bee aie Weave 38 BOY 
Learn it here LO) 
DAMIEN OGURT Hs artis hi han uve db clea eet 40 ohh 
' Health food department. i : 2 L £ 
MONSTROUSLY TRASH.......... 0... c cc cc ccc esc ceccecce 42 J) ad 
Hideous happenings \\aN Vr 
STILL MORE‘HALF TRASH...............0.0.0005 Seay ar 43 
The load is getting lighter { , 
ALL TRASH ANYTHING GOES....... 00.00. cece e cece eee 45 
Battle of the non-stars . & 
RPS ce oe nel a aku paler od bed vale oi heda Bin Coe 50 
A few bucks for you t 
WE SINK FARRAH POSTER ............ 00. c cc cceceucccecce 51 ‘ 
THE WORLD’S TALLEST SUPER HERO ee ae ee 52 


Up, up and away 


ATTACKS ON INNOCENT PEOPLE 
Scattered throughout TRASH ‘ 
a 
TRASH MAGAZINE is|published bi-monthly. Copyright © 1978 by Trash Publishing Co., Inc. 160 East 56th Street, 
New York; N.Y. 10022! All rights reserved. Vol: 1, No. 2, June 1978 issue. Single copy 60¢. Not responsible for un- 
solicited manuscripts, artwork or letters, and all such material must be accompanied by a stamped, self-addressed 
envelope. Any similarity between persons or institutions named in this issue, without satiric purpose is coincidental. 
Printed in the U.S.A. 


4 





TRASHIFIED ADS 








FOR SALE 


MAN’S SUIT; size 42; finely 
tailored grey pin-striped silk 
with wide lapels; cost $425, 
asking $35; worn only once 
by Angelo “Mad Dog” Scar- 
lotti, the recently deceased 
gangland czar. Small insigni- 
ficant holes in front, back 
and sides of jacket need 
slight repairing. Write: Box 
QT, Ossining, New York. 


FOR SALE: 36-foot boat 
with two bailing pumps and 
a large tin can; seen by ap- 
pointment only; bring diving 
gear. Contact Davy Jones’ 
Locker, White, Wash. 


FOR SALE: fin time for next 
Christmas: a delightful set of 
holiday records for the child- 
ren; some records are slight- 
ly broken. . .slightly broken 
. . Slightly broken. . .Box 
86P, Great Big, Mass. 


Will sell a dozen bottles of 
pure: water just brought 
home from vacation in Mex- 
ico. What am | bid? Call A. 
Telly Rico, Gastro-intestinal 
‘Ward, Doctors’ Hospital. 


FOR SALE: Practically new 
complete 48-volume set of 
the Encyclopedia Britannica; 
never used; my wife knows 
everything; write Otto, Box 
39, Woeis, Me. 


NEW DOGHOUSE FOR 
SALE; Only $15; suitable for 
large dog or small husband. 
- Box 79,-No, Cal. 


YOUR CHOICE: Piper 
Three passenger plane or 
1972 model hot-blooded Ita- 
lian. wife; either one $50,000; 
can't keep both. Box 28, 
Loanme, Tenn. 


Unused steamship ticket for 
round-the-world sailing; will 
sell below cost; no offer too 
small: Write: Ira Gurney c/o 
S.S. Titanic. 





Mail To—TRASHIFIED ADS, 
c/o TRASH PUBLISHING CO., INC. 


160 EAST 56 STREET 


NEW YORK, N.Y. 10022 


FOR SALE: “KEEP OFF 
THE GRASS” signs for non- 
hippie home owners of 
greenwich Village; send 
$1.00 to GIMMICKS UN- 
LIMITED. 


FOR SALE: Half-used bottle 
of Murene; contact: M. 
Dayan, Haifa, Israel. 


LARGE BED FOR SALE; 
good condition; formerly 
slept on by only 19 hippies. 
Write; Commune 22, San 
Francisco. 


~ FOR SALE: Adding mach- 


ine; will sell cheap; figures 
adding up all wrong; Write: 
Bert Lance, Calhoun, Ga. 


HELP WANTED 


MAN WANTED; any man, 
any time; contact Z.Z. Ga- 
bor, Hollywood, Cal. 


HELP WANTED: Senior 
physicist for analytical work 
primarily on lasar instru- 
mentation for electromag- 
netic propulsion in theore- 
matic nuclear system. High 
School education _helpful.. 
Box 42B, Noahs, Ark. 


Disc Jockey wants Girl Fri- 
day; must have following 
measurements: 78-3314-45. 
Call: Big Ed, Station 
W.A.C.K. 


WANTED: Ambitious, ag- 
gressive private secretary, 


capable of grappling with — 


routine office jobs along with 
the boss. Write: Box 81, 
Viree, Il. 


SALESMEN WANTED to 
sell ladies’ girdles; can pull 
off around $200 a week. Box 
4, Watta, Conn. 


Night Watchman wanted for 
Day Camp; Box 72, Turner, 
Ky. 


MAN WANTED TO 
WRITE RANSOM NOTES 
FOR KIDNAPPER; must 
know. paste-up and mechani- 
cals; Write: Box X, Folsom, 
N.M. ; 


SITUATIONS 
WANTED 


Pn a ea ey 
a ee 
POSITION WANTED: Ma- 
ture male with executive ex- 
perience seeks position with 
established recording studio; 
has intricate knowledge of 
tape recordings and editing. 
Contact: R. Nixon, San Cle- 
mente, Cal. 


Let me write your resumes; 
experienced __ professsional; 
guaranteed to bring results. 
Clifford Irving, New York, 
N.Y. 


RESIDENT POET AVAIL- 
ABLE: Be the first in your 
neighborhood to have your 
own live-in poet who will 
supply rhymes and couplets 
for room and board. ‘’Noth- 
ing like a little poem to make 
sure your children don’t 
roam from home”. R. 
McKuen, Chicago, lll. 


AT LIBERTY: Rudolph Nur- 
eyev’s ex-acting teacher; 
desperate; will take any- 
thing. Box 93. Oolah, La. 


BUSINESS 
OPPORTUNITIES 


BUILD YOUR OWN IRON 
LUNG; assembly kit of 


_ 62,500 different parts now 


available; so simple that a 
child can complete it. Send 
$10 to FLY-BY-NIGHT 
AGENTS, Great Big, Conn. 


Start Your Own Mail Order 
Business: Have a whole 
warehouse full of 1927 calen- 
dars at a bargain price. Take 
a chance on that year com- 
ing back. Write: GISMOS 
UNLIMITED, Fiven, Tenn. 


FOOL YOUR FRIENDS: 
real live guillotines; looks like 
rubber; they'll never know 
the difference; will liven up 
even the dullest of parties; 
be a real cutup; order yours 
today: YOK-IT-UP, Oolah, 


{ 


WANTED TO RENT: 1973 
or 1974 model sports car; will 
not be driven more than 500 
miles. Send info to Speedy 
Gonzalez, ‘ Speedway, _In- 
dianapolis, Ind. 


WANT TO SWAP: White 
wedding gown, size 12, 
never Used; for .38 calibre re- 
volver. Write: Grace, Box 
45, Praisebe, Ala. 


PUBLIC NOTICES 
[racecar eae oar Od 


NOTICE: In reference to our 
pamphlet: “Driving Made 
Easy’, Chapter 6: Facts 
About Dead Ends, Para- 
graph 9, Line 2—please 
change “press down ac- 
celerator’ to “put on 
brakes”. We hope noone 
has been inconvenienced by 
this misprint. UMGLICK 
DRIVING SCHOOL, Mishu, 


Ga. ' 


PIANO MOVERS: If you 
have a piano to move, con- 
tact us for expert handling. 
Also kindling wood for sale. 
Box 88G, Aintno, Mo. 


PRINTING | PROBLEM? 
Office forms printed with 
acuracy and speed XX in 
printing office forms. The 
printed must There’s no 
margin for get it right the 
FIRST time etoian shridu. 
Box 329, C,Y,N. 


SPECIAL NOTICE: | did 
not leave my husband John 
Sturdley’s bed and board. It 
was my bed given to me by 
my uncle, and | was kicked 
out; as for my bills, my hus- 
band was never responsible 
anyway mainly because he 
was never responsible. Mrs. 
Agatha Sturdley, Ohmypa, 
Pa. 


NEW YORK CITY ORDI- 
NANCE EFFECTIVE IM- 
MEDIATELY: It shall be il- 
legal and punishable by fine 
to park any car in any space 
already occupied by another 
car. 


PS pac; ROEM! Eos SENSIS LARAE eS Wy A 10 OMe ae ammetls Pec ENED 


TRASHUFIED AD nD 


COTY as STAT Ec 


ZIP CODE cee 


ATTENTION OEDIPUS: . 
Come home. All is forgiven. 
Mother still loves you. 


PERSONALS . 


MAN WITH WOODEN 
LEG wishes to meet woman 
with wooden leg. Object: 
out-of-this-world | Mambo! 
Box 66J, Iron, Ore. 


LONELY: Male, old enough 
to know better; wishes to 
meet female not quite that 
‘old. Box 39L, Base, Mont. 


Gentlemen, 89, old-age pen- 
sioner; would like to meet 
lady of suitable age for fun 
and games; can _ finance 
honeymoon and funeral ex- 
penses. Box 96B, Butter, 
Fla. 


Will the person or persons 
who saw me dining with a 
beautiful blonde at the 
Copacabana last New Year's 
Eve kindly keep his or her 
mouth shut—I'm hiding it 
from my wifel 


JUDGE CRATER: Please 
call your answering service. 


LOST AND FOUND 
Ee 


[ieearraee SARE a Se Sel 


LOST: Tan leather wallet 
containing pictures, identifi- 
cation, personal papers and 


$200 in. cash. Finder may © 


keep the pictures, identifica- 
tion, personal papers and 
wallet, but | have a senti- 
mental attachment to the 
money. Box 25V, Shapely, 
Miss. 


Will the person who stole 

the $50 worth of groceries - 
from my car kindly return it.. 

Just leave it in the glove 

compartment where you 

found it and no questions 

will be asked. Box 87P, Laz, 

Tex. 


LOST: Road map of San 
Jose, California. Return to 
Dionne . Warwick, — Holly- 
wood, Cal. 










GROSS ENCOUNTERS OF 
—= THE WORST KIND ———~— 


Sy \ GWQWWWuww wv "7D WOy SQ 0 WOw NS 
si a a USS 





SCRIPT BY DON WIGAL 4 Knock, knock. Sr 


supposed to say 
“Youwho, | see 


a” 


Not in this 
movie, Junior. 


CINGS 


WSS” { 
This alien music is 
strangely like 


Z 


Ss 


I'll straighten 
it up for you. 


XAG WN Cos iV You sure 
. Si you’re in the 
right movie? 


VME 


YP 


VALAIS ELYL UU 


x 
N 
N 
N 
N 
NY 
W 


, Muy’ 


Wits 





i 


WwW 


| piled it all up in some guy’s 
Wow! That's terrific. living room. He’s building 
Where did you put everything? some sort of mountain of 
fer junk. Now you’re going with 
me for a little trip. 


Not yet. 
We have 
six more 
endings. - 


EANWHILE: Somewhere|%-s<=, I’ve got to get this ' 
in Hoosierville. J transmission fixed. 


LON NS \ 


aw 
Q 


: 


SN 


My 


- Yim, 
Wty 
Wty 


N 
KS 


So 
y \ 
XX 


S SS 


AN 
RAN 


i yay JeYM 3Ng—Ss}eB10} 1aAeU jueydeye ue Aes Ao] *Z4S HSVHL 


Well, at least everything 
is back to normal now. ° 


Mufti 
Vis, 


AG 


by My 


Not yet, stupid. 
We have five 
more endings. 


tyjly 
GD 
My 


%Y 
+ fl 





: ee \ Would you believe, 
Don’t look now, \ Hi, Terry. It’s me. 1. Westill are ‘ian ae still 


but WE ARE George God. notalone: | {not alone? 


NOT ALONE. f 
My brother! At \ NN Where is 


MANY \ > last | found you. the princess? 


asst bitte 


(tt AA EL ELLLLE, 
¢ 
ee 


BE 


You’re in the 
wrong movie 
also, Bele. 
You’re sup- 
posed tobe in f 
the 278th rerun § 
of 


Dy Lat ac 


WN 


W 


£ S&S \ 


Se 


. SS 
Which do you J) Good. Here’s your Stop playing with 
want? Potatoes, or Stove Plop Dressing. _ your food, Daddy. 
Stove Plop Dressing? . C. | can’t get 
' this shape out 
of my mind. 
It look’s like 
a little statue. 


It’s the Oscar 
ac. | I’m going to win 
"tS rea ‘ < 
my! doing this movie. Not yet. 
: four more 
endings. 


“oe 
Ra st € 
aS 


suaBe jaAe} oq }: 


LLEIILLLIL DTD 


That's not it. 
Try again. 


But only 
3 more 
endings 
to go. 
fag: 





SN SX 


PMMIQ\, 
MIE 


WN 
SS AS, 


x 


Can’t get 
this shape 
out of my 


The UFO | saw was 
shaped like a big 
plate of peanut butter. 


Z “Ur, 


Here comes the army 
in those UFO trucks 


again, Jimmy. 
WS 
| think you’ve been Take this peanut 
drinking too much Billy butter while | call 
the White House and 
report another 


uado.9]}30q 4NOA puno} 2 1g: 
MK. QWWw Sc 
“a NS 
Can’t get a Better BOL Sey Sere Look out.WE Whatever happened 
ahh < NS 
dial tone on pick’n” too loud to JAWS II? 
this colton around here. We have . 
pick’n phone to have a token black 
go off in that UFO 
later in the film. 
. 
‘ \ EN 
; N eee 


aw ON 
re 


Yt rtapaaay, 


Makes Us 
Moan and 
Groan 





$ SS 
IXSGV 
. 


WISH WE WERE 


BUT AFTER BEING 
IN THIS, WE 
THE END FINALLY 


pote 
pg CM iter 
ey Mie 
Y= tir 


ttl 
Aiittt 


Yeyg®: 
Mbps? 
Ly 


cue MOAN AND GROAN 
x! ‘ 


nel 


UMiidda LYE Z : hh ‘ty : 
: os 


e 


& 
Il gladly sign: 


fantasy!! 


OY 


ih 


“i, a 
ty 
Ls, Z 


Back at Oscar Towe 


Fascinating. It is logical 
that we should now mak 


a TV series. | 


¥ 


o// 2 

Ye 74 

Uy 74 YY wes 
Merve Ley, Dicttltirestst BAIL ttiti/ipitiiLiLestittite, 


~ 


sya tm 


ui 
e 
ie 
B 
2 
< 
uw 
=| 


x 


THE END 


MLILUTILLLI ITI EL eg 


my “4 2% poe 
TRASH SEX: Wanted— human cannon ball—must be able to travel. 


t get $100 


more a week for toothpaste. 


SOOM 


t 


Vy llty 


ANON 


They spent millions on this 
is alien for 


picture, yet | can 
a long time. 


Here comes our 
leader. We have 
been IN SEARCH 


OF th 





AON 


NEWS ITEM: Airline executive, Freddie Laker, has led the way 
in introducing "no-frills" transatlantic air travel. 














The airlines are currently conducting a massive advertising campaign praising the glories of 
their new low-priced flights. However, as a public service, we intend to defuse that particular 
Madison Avenue time-bomb and reveal the truth about. . . 





(What the Airline Ads Won't Show Us About Economy Flights) 
WHAT THE ADS SAY LIKE IT REALLY IS 


“HIGHLY @ 
COMPETENT 
PILOTS” 





““We need 
anew rubber 


“AL UO 340 pesjsul awoY 3 peAeys siaAejd 


jeqeseq uaym siaquiawas OYM An6 e SI Jew Pio UY :Z3S HSWHL 


- WAITING FOR ~ 


THE NON-SCHEDULED 
| TO TAKE OFF. 









MW 


le 
Wily 
win 





LIKE IT REALLY IS 





LZ 





— 


When» tlle 


Cheer up. Things could always be worse. This poor nurd 
tried to save even more money by flying third class. 


WHAT THE ADS SAY 


“THE LATEST PICTURES” 


a 





EMOYS 9} BjO}S PUB SNIIIO Balj E PSYSIA OUM 6op ay} jNoge 1eeY NOA pig :74S HSVHL 








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the quest 


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is TRASH p 


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hich the 


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# On too loud? 


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Are you 
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99° 





The Bible tells us that God created the Universe in 7 days, including 1 day Off to rest. 
The truth is that he could probably have done it in 2 or 3 days because in those days 
there was nobody around to bug him. If He were to create the Universe today, this is 
what would happen... 


CREATION— ] 978 | OR YE GODS! 


The first thing we need aroung this place, is some light. 
The last time | tried working in the dark | mashed my 
thumb and it hurt like. . .h>mm, | guess I'll have to create | 
that place too. Well, here goes. . . 
LET THERE BE. 


CAEL 


ttt 










Yawn! This has got to be the most boring place in the whole, 
wide. . .hmm, interesting. Where am |? | guess I’m 
noplace, which is even more boring. 
Fortunately, | can fix that in, hmm, 
‘about a week, give or take a day or two. . 
























































4 i i ' ° 
ees Never mind Rais yen : HA! | thought so! 
sis ia Wea Nae But you're in luck 
| thought. | Who are can’t work 
was alone ou? creating the around here because | can 
y issue you a 30 day 


out here. L Universe! ‘without one. 


license right now. 
















Let’s see 
y That's what 
'm GOD! your license vibes 
they all say. a 
Come on, no af) 7 days? No way. 
license, no work. It's guys like you 


that ruin it for the 

others. If every- 
body went around 

creating 
Universes in 7 
days, there 

wouldn't be any 

Mir * A a work left for any- 
“nod s,yoeseug ul panies ey—siuue} pedeid sesol :Z3S HSVHL y saat body else. 


How do you know? That's better. 
Now. . .name? 





















But there isn’t 
anybody else. 











Not without a God what? 
, Because I’m license. Let me 
GOD, a. just fill out this 


Your first name is It’s Jewish. 
The? What kind of a ; 
name is that? Just give me 















But there’s a 











application for space on this the license 
30 days. . . application for Funny, you don’t sdpeel il Nets 
: Last Name. . . look Jewish. You 
30 days, take it First Name. . . don’t look like any-. 
“or leave it. Middle Initial. thing. Aren't there any 
‘ Come on, let’s lights around this place? 
have your full 


name. 


O.K. Here’s your 
license. . .GOD! 


a OMAN m-- on the MOVntND, Of the Hirst Hay Se 
5622 ce God Sot: his LICENSE 2 tO PrACtISE creation, nose a 











(BE Poe: + BO. 


aR iy On thé SEcond. LAY, GOR. oreated heaven o¢ 


Ante CAartht 
Oe eee: oe 





Ahh! That's better. And now. . .LET THERE BE LIGHT TO 
SEPARATE THE LIGHT FROM THE DARK. . . 


Say what? 
| said, let there be 


Seth Bacerets. = That’s what | thought 
j you done said, man. 
That's segregation, 
baby, and there ain’t 
NO way we gonna 
start out like that! 


O.K., O.K. LET THERE 
BE LIGHT TO SEPARATE 


. .an’ don’ 
THE DAY FROM THE 


forgit the part 
about the dark 
gettin’ the day or 
you can jus’ 
fergit about 
creatin’ 
Philadelphia, 


How about if I give 
equal time to each? 


Keep talkin’. 


That don’t sound bad, 
man, Which one gets . 
the day? 


You know, half a day of 
light and half a day of 
“dark. 


Well, | thought that 


. .and we gets 
Light would. . . 


the Night? No way, 
God, baby. Dark : 
gets the day or we 
gonna riot. You 
ever see a Universe 
onfire? . 


Thank Myself, | got rid of those guys. No 
wonder these licenses are for 30 days. 
With interruptions like those it could take years! 


DTZ, VEIT LIL LLP 
Now, let's see. We 

could use a place to put 

everything, like. . .how - 
about an EARTH! 


But aak 
was here 


You're gonna 
make an Earth, 


Then you’re 
jonna need 3 
" says hire trucks and 


drivers. 


i wanna 
get your 
knuckles 
busted? 


Suit yourself. But 
you still have to 


Nias iis Sit 


But | don’t need any 
- trucks and drivers. 


I'll hire 
them. . .but 


I don’t have to 


use them, do I? 


Yeah, how else you gonna get 
all that stuff like rocks and 
dirt here? 


° % Bo' 





Now look, I’ve got to create trees and 
forests and lakes and rivers, not to 
mention seas and oceans, and a whole 
lot of other things before | get around 
to the good stuff so if there are any 
more objections, let’s have them now. 


You're going to need a 
Right of Way for your 
rivers. . . 
TANT 


« 


Sy Ao 
The sun and the moon are 
handled by the Energy 
Commission. . . 


Living creatures that roam 


SSSA EEL Aas 


Plants, trees, shrubs and 
grass have to be sprayed 
with insecticide. . . 


Living creatures that swarm 
in the oceans must be 
approved by the 
Endangered Species 


the earth must be kept on Committee. . . 


a leash and you have to 
clean up after them. . . 


Birds which fill the sky must have wings if you 
intend for them to fly and 3 
must be qualified pilots. . . 


MA (Ue 
IBM cards must not be 


stapled, spindled or 
‘ folded... —~ 


\VT a) REET 


To keep track of all the sub- 
committees for Heaven and 
Earth Planning. 


Sub-committees? Now just a Myselfdamned minute! 


IBM cards? ! é 
i dearth b If. 
What do | I'm sees heaven and earth by myse! 


need IBM 
cards for? Suit yourself, but 
you'll have to pay 


them anyway. 


| don’t know who all those cockamamie voices 
are or where they came from but | sure as Hell 
didn’t create them. Hmm, come to think of it, 
| haven't created Hell yet, either. But the way 
things are starting to turn out here, I’m not . 
so sure. 





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o& 
@ 
® 
° 
= 
8 
a 
® 
S 
+ 
fo} 
a 
° 
N 


Not so fast. First, was your father a 
dues paying member of the union? 


Let's see now, the plans call for a sun 
and a moon and stars to fill the 
firmament. That shouldn't be too hard. 


Electrician's license? | don’t need 
and electrician’s license to set 
the sun and moon and stars in 

the firmament. I’m God. 


Uh, oh! Sorry, 
but we can’t let 

you in. Don’t 
wanttogivethe 

union a bad 
name, don’t you 
know. Nobody 
without a father 

gets in. 


And I'm shop 
steward for the 
electrician’s 
union. You 
want your 
knuckles 
busted? 


| 
You got an 


electrician’s 
license? 


O.K. give me t? a 
the license. O.K., O.K., my father’s 
yeti, : . ‘name is, mnimm, 
George. George God. 





Hard hat? What do | need a hard hat for? Myselfdammit! The next thing you 
| know they'll accuse me of using 
foreign labor because I’m not from 
Union rules. around here. 


| thought he’d never go away. 
Now, let’s get the firmament 
filled. before | go whacko 
bananas. Let's see, the sun : 
i But I’m God. 

would look nice there and the Nothing den oo va 

i is job has to 
moon, maybe on the other side. happen to me. cra bial Vag darees 
run through 
that again, 


Where’s your 
hard 
hat? 


2sSuns wsSI. Bed ayy je ewoD MOY Ua} Alene} 
40 WJO4 Jsase9UIs 043 S} UOREMUI J] :73S HSVHL 


Ever had 


your knuckles : 
For God, l aot a big mouth. 
| said I’m not from here. _ 


Oh ho! Spika da Spanish? Parle voos Frenchy? 
Spreken Sie Dutch? Come on, fella, where are you 
from? 


I'm not from 
anywhere, | mean, 
I'm from aerrahers 


Man without a 
country, eh. Well, 
we don’t want 
nobody who 


ain’t red-blooded, You win. I’m 
100% Union! from Chicago. 


Good Myself! I’m running behind 
schedule. I've still got to create the 
waters that separate the dry land and the 
living creatures that swarm both under 
the sea and in the air and those which 
roam the earth. Whew! | hope nobody's 
looking because. . . 


Thank Myself, | did it. Hmmm, but 
there still seems to be one thing 
missing. . . 


td ahd emer Ss, feud created. a SE Off : oe 
“as to create one. for fee by Z. de ¥ ae 





| need to put someone in this marvelous 
place to enjoy it. Hmm, how about some- 
body in my image 
and likeness. 


Like, just 
what is you 
like? 


There, by Myself! | did it. 
And | defy anybody to say 
left anyone out. * 


You want to run 
that one by one 
more time, 
sexist! 


Sexist? What's that? Oh, oh, 
| see what you mean. 


gonna have 
some big 
problems when 
you come up 
with that:line, 
“Be fruitful and 
increase.”’ It 
takes two to 
tango. 


describe 
yourself. 


You better 
: make this 
Well, I’m, I’m. . .hmm, | see a good or we’s 
what you mean. Well, | think {| _all.gonna riot. 
| can manage that. Here 


iP) 


na Fe 
TT ages 2; 


ra _| 
*$8]OY-U0}21Ng BU} Seso} 

By Myself, you’re right. How 
could | have overlooked that? 2 
Just don’t let it happen 
again or I'll see to it that 
you get more than your 

knuckles busted. 


No way, baby. We get equal time with one 
of your TWWZZZTT THKKLLEKRACKLES or 
I'l fix that you're in big trouble. : 
right away. . 
Ah, a rib, just 
the thing. 


or : 
[PED 


= 





We've come 
along way, 
babies. 


By Myself, | 
think | did it. It 
was a little more 

' trouble than | 
thought, but it’s 
not going to be 
lonely around 
this Universe 
any more. 


bold 2-H 


mM to try to get along as best they Could under the CIYCUMSEANCES °---..% x 


Whew, thank Myself that’s over. Let's see now, | don’t 
think | left anything out. Myself damned, am | pooped. 
| could use aday of rest. . . 


te 
on 
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a 
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2 
© 
3 
a 
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z= 
a} 
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3 
a 
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6 . 
a 
he 
a 
pe 
[s) 
i“ 
2 
> 
Ss: 
® 
n 
= 
ey 
t 
cc 
= 


rips 
1 


Thay there, big boy, 
didn’t you forget to 
create thomething? 


I'm Bruthe. . .and 
I'm kind of thweet 
and tho are you. 


Who in the hell are you? 
Sd 


O.K., O.K., I'll create you, Vi } 
but that doesn’t mean I'd \ 
let my brother marry one. 


It’s not a bad place to create, but | sure as 


Hell wouldn't want 
‘to live there. 








“aii NEW PRO 


Sm. ICEBERG HOLE PATCH KIT— 


\ » Never be caught on a sinking ship again just because a wayward 
iceberg ripped 300 feet out of its side. Developed by a survivor of 
the Titanic, the Iceberg Hole Patch kit is a thousand yard strip of 
pre-pastéd. steel plating which comes in its own handy dispenser 
can. Simply tear off the length'you need, remove tHe paper from the 
sticky side, and apply to the iceberg hole. The container can be 
used as a submarine when empty. 





“quqaied-Suo s| ssourddey pue yyjeeH ‘Buiyyuana 3,uUs! AdUo|\| +Z3S HSV¥L 


HANDS FREE DIGITAL WATCH— 


If you have a digital watch that you have to press a button to tell 
the time, you know what a nuisance it can be. But now you can 
leave both hands free and still tell the time. The Hands Free Digital 
Watch does away with the button. Instead, it has its own foot 
pedal. When you want to know what time it is, merely take the 
pedal assembly out of its handy carrying case, plug one end into 
the watch and put the pedal on the ground. Press firmly with your 
foot. This watch is made and guaranteed by the people who brought 
you the illuminated night time sun dial. 








INEXPENSIVE SMOKE DETECTOR—. | 


Tired of waking up at night because your expensive smoke detec- 
tor got a whiff of your Uncle Herkie’s big black cigar. . and Uncle 
Herkie hasn’t visited you for 6 months? Super-sensitive smoke de- 
tectors can’t tell the difference between the Chicago Fire and Jun- 
ior’s birthday cake. But this one can. The decision to roust every- 
body out of bed in their wrinkled sleepers will be yours and yours 

_ alone if you use this people powered smoke detector. Attach as 
many smoke pipes as you wish and place the detector end in your 
nose before retiring. All you have to do is breath. 


























HANDY LOCKER OPENER— 


If you’ve ever forgotten the combination or key to your school lock- 
er, you know what a drag it can be to get it open. Especially if the 
books for your next class are inside. With the application of a small 
tab of plastique locker opener and door dislodger, such problems 
are a thing of the past. To use, squish a small amount of plastique 
onto your locker lock, set the fuse and hurry to the rest rooms to 
wait for the tell-tale thud that tells you your locker is open, for 
good. 






jseiB10 axey —op sueWOY a4} se Op BOY U! UBYM *Z73S HSVUL 


MOP AND GLOW SHADOW CLEANER 


The annoyance of having people walk all over your shadow and 
leaving their’dirty footprints on it shows a lack of respect on their 
part and leaves you with a soiled shadow. Many schools new dress 
codes require a spotless shadow and now you can have one too. 
Squeeze a generous helping of shadow polish onto the soiled area, 
allow to soak overnight, and vacuum away the dirt in the morning. 
For extra tough spots, scrub in the polish with the applicator which 
comes with the kit. 























AUTOMATIC CAT CHUCKER— 


It’s unusually the last one to go to bed who has to put out the cat. 
And if you are\the unlucky-person, and the floor is cold and you are 
already in-bed, you know how miserable a job that can be. How- 
ever, if you keep your cat in an automatic cat chucker all of the 
time, all you have to do is push the launch button and your cat will 
be outside in no time at all. A word of caution, do not.aim the cat 
chucker at trees or nearby buildings. 


“saljissa9—u aveg ay} paau Aju Aepo} salAow ul-sassenoy ‘73S HSVUL 


MICRO-WAVE FOOT WARMER— 


Just the gift for the elderly on your list or for anybody else who suf- 
fers the discomfort of chilly feet. Made possible by the magic of 
|. @lectronics, the micro-wave foot warmer toasts those chilly toot- 
| : sies in no time flat. In fact, it will toast those flat tootsies too. Plug 
) into the nearest outlet, stuff your loved one’s feet inside (they may 
| resist) and pull the switch: As an added bonus, the micro-wave foot 
warmer incinerates stocking lint in a flash. Not for the ticklish. 

























; bigot 
SON) S| UND | MONTH OF SUNDAYS 
A special calendar for those who need an extra day every once ina 
while to catch up on things like sleep, homework or television. 


, c The month of Sundays calendar comes in a pre-pasted, perforated 
sheet. To add a day to your week, tear off an extra Sunday and 


i A paste it onto your regyjar calendar. » 


: = > *puiyaq Bulyoo|-}ee/6 e sas8y} peg Buryoo}-12018 Asano pulyeg ‘73S HSVHL 





SCHOOL BUS STOP— 


For students who have trouble catching the bus on time and for 
those whose driver’s won't wait that extra second it takes to. get 
to the regular stop, the portable school bus stop is the perfect solu- 
tion. Converted from war surplus tank traps and painted to match 
the neighborhood, these steel bus stops are guaranteed not to let 
go once that smart alecky. driver stumbles into its clutches. Also a 
great way to keep large dogs from straying into your yard. 





SEE-THROUGH BOOKS— 


Relief for the kid in the back of the room who is always getting 
caught doing something he’s not supposed to be doing. With a see- 
through book, you can sleep, read comics, or peek at your neigh- 
bor’s homework and teacher will never catch you because you can 
see her but she’s can’t see you. 














BIONIC TRASH 


*(A) Bionic hair made out of oil rag for 
wiping greasy hands. 
(B) Bionic right thumb—hollow so it can 
hold 12 gallons of gasoline. 
(C) Bionic left index finger used as 
grease gun. : 
(D) Bionic right pinky—holds 3 pints of 
oil. 
(E) Bionic right pinky—used as a paint- 
spray gun. ‘ 
(F) Bionic fingernails—carry 3 pints of 
extra lubrication under them. 
(G) Bionic right eye—has drop light in 
pupil. | 
(H) Bionic ear—can hear pinging sound 
in engine from 50 feet. 
(1) Bionic left thumb—converts to socket 
wrenchwith interchangeable parts. 





“BIONIC AUTO MECHANIC” 


(J) Bionic back—used as Hydraulic jack. 
(K) Bionic foot—niade out of rubber for 
kicking tires. 

(L) Bionic kidney—never needs to use 
the restroom. 

(M) Bionic fist—capable of pounding out 
dents. 

(N) Bionic nose—can be honked like a 
car horn, ; 

(0) Bionic left eye—used as gallon indi- 
cator. 

(P) Bionic heart—has metal timing 
chain which prevents mechanic from 
working too fast. 

(Q) Bionic legs—super strong to tow 
wrecks. 


THE BIONIC HOUSE WIFE 


(D) Bionic left foot—converts into mop. 


A 


(A) Bionic left pinky—used as feather duster. _ 
(B) Bionic brain—-can read minds of husband and kids. 
(€) Bionic Hands—covered with rubber skin to avoid dishpan hands. 


(E) Bionic right foot—used as vacuum cleaner 
(F) Bionic knees—made out of steel to avoid housemaid’s knee. ° 


(A) Bionic righthand—automatically blesses people when button on 
shoulder is pressed 

(B) Bionic eyes—see only the good in people 

(C) Bionic lips—never talk about bad. 

(D) Bionic left arm and hand—covert into collection basket. 

(E) Bionic right ear—small, for listening to voice of God. 

(F) Bionic left ear—targe for listening to sins of man. 











FUTURE EXAMPLES OF 


THE BIONIG 


“THE BIONIC DOCTOR” 





seme 





(A) Bionic fingers—they check blood 
~~ pressure automatically. ‘ 
(B) Bionic left eye—actual x-ray 
machine. : : 
(€) Bionic right eye—electro- 
_ cardyograph. : : < 
- (D) Bionic ear—simplified stethoscope, | 
(€) Bionic index finger—sharp as scal-- 
pel. : ole 
(F) Bionic thumb-—a rubber hammer for 
checking knee reflexes. : 
(G) Bionic pinky—-used as tongue depre- 
en es ae 
(H) Bionic. mouth—exhales the . 
anaesthetic. i ' 
(1) Bionic kidney-—produces. diamonds 
instead of ordinary stones. ie 
(3) Bionic stomach-—used as a T.V. pic- 
ture tube that shows reruns of “Marcus 
Welby’’ to patients while being examined. 

































*HLNOW ab J 





THE BIONIC MINISTER 











First, they gave us a Bionic Man! Now, we also have a Bionic Wom- 


an! Soon, every one will be Bionic and worth six million dollars! 


GRAZE 


“THE BIONIC GANGSTER” 


(A) Bionic thumbs—made out of gum 
erasers for rubbing out people. 

(B) Bionic index finger—actual .357 
magnum revolver. 

(€) Bionic pinky—used as fork for mak- 
ing people “fork over” protection money. 
(D) Bionic fingertips—have no finger- 
prints. 

(E) Bionic face—made out of putty for 
changing features in order to avoid being 
identified. 

(F) Bionic shadow—clings to the man 
that gangster is ordered to follow: 

(G) Bionic lips—extend so as to give 
‘Kiss of Death’ to victim at 50 paces or 


(A) Bionic Hips—have rotary action 
which allows them to swivel at superhu- 


more. 
(H) Bionic chest and back—completely 
bullet proof. 


man speed. 
(B) Bionic blood—mixture of 0.J. juice 
and Adrenalin. ( 


(C) Bionic right arm—can stretch. to 
snare wild passés. 

(D) Bionic shoulders—-welded together 
and will not separate. 

(E) Bionic fingers—covered with 
flypaper instead of skin so ball sticks to 
hand and cannot be fumbled. 

(F) Bionic left arm—made out of steel so 
will not bend when giving straight-arm. 

(G) Bionic knees—will not twist, break or 
buckle on being tackled. 


(I) Bionic feet—made of cement for dis- 
posing of gangster in river at future date. 


** "Suid Ajejes pur’ * ‘jeaujeo pue: * ‘suia8 ewoo 
SeUUNJO SAgeq JO SayINOW EY) 40 IND :Z743S HSVHL 


THE BIONIC POLITICIAN 


(A) Bionic hands—interchangeable, fitting on left or right: 

(B) Bionic left arm—has spring attachment for jerking up violently into 
air to voice protest 

(C) Bionic right hand.and elbow—padded so politician can prop up head 
on desk and sleep during meeting 

(D) Bionic lips—extend outward to kiss babies during campaigning. 

(E) Bionic mouth—automatically makes promises it cannot keep. 

(F) Bionic brain—small enough to qualify for job. 


THE BIONIC SLOB 


(A) Bionic armpits—emit repulsive odor for up to 6 months. 

{B) Bionic mouth—has bad breath that can be broadcasted coast-to- 
coast. 

(€) Bionic left forearm—made out of cloth for wiping bionic noses with. 
(D) Bionic nose—continuously dripping. 

(E) Bionic dandruff flakes made out of clear plastic. 

(F) Bionic behind—for dealing with sounds not covered by the other 
parts. 8 


“THE BIONIC FOOTBALL PLAYER” 


(H) Bionic Teeth—carved out of pearls 
for smiling when doing T.V. commercials. 
(I) Bionic head—teally a steelskull 
which acts as built-in helmet. 

(J) Bionic ear—can hear plays being 
called in opposing huddle. 

(K) Bionic heels—made out of heavy- 
duty springs for bouncing high into the « 
air. 

(L) Bionic nose—cannot be crushed, 
broken or flattened by anything. 

(M) Bionic foot—can kick the ball 100 
yards. 

(N) Bionic arm—can throw the ball 100 
m.p.h. 


“selyisseoeu a1eq 84} pseu Ajuo Aepo} S9IAOW UJ SESSB1}90Y 7743S HSVHL 








- HALF TRASH: ror FOLKS WHO CAN'T STAND A FULL LOAD! — 


TUMX WAT.CH COMMERCIAL a ale Ga shell itt c 


a ZE= up. Raul will 





































ig | land in water 

Hello! This is your From Acapulco, Mexico, only 12 feet 
announcer for Tumx professional diver Raul Gomez deep! Good 
watches. . . will dive from there, wearing luck, Raul. . . 









Those 
cliffs are 


@ ; 
Osa! 
pre 


~~ 
AN\ = 
WZ XKA& 
XA ARS) 
A a 
ae 0) fy 


Will the 
tumx 
watch keep 
ticking? 
















It's still ticking 
even if Raul 





taint 





‘1L3WOD Y NI 
ANAM S100% (6 
ine 


SiH ay ps S80, he jf 
““& o | 4 | 


TURE calth ult ‘ 
Doctor Anoldo M. Nerps receives golf clubs and bag in payment of a patients’ bill. 
Since it also was.a Wednesday, he took the rest of the day off. . .since then 
you can never get a doctor on a Wednesday. 





Lookatal'those: ~ ta I'll take a I think I'll go in! 
women trying to get little old Maybe I'll pick-up 
into that store. something a 


This place is . “Sle Ep i ZR | Putme 
really eae per Z tok y ; an Sila’ - SP a. down or 
a | / I'll call 

the cops! _ 


(s/ 
Leo} 


: _. .AND WE HOPE TO HAVE Ss 
[CONTEST AND EE THE WINNERS BY THE ys 
| UN-CONTEST NEWS!!! _4< a NEXT ISSUE 


‘a BUT, FOR NOW, WE’D LIKE 
THE ENTRIES A } “3 -% You ALL TO ENTER OUR 
TO THE TRASH Yt (ASS) UN-CONTEST, AS YOU 


| GAG CONTEST ij G Sq), \ SAWONPAGE13, You 


7s aa CAN GET STUCK WITH 
ARE GIMTESY/7 all AN UGLY DATE. IN AN 
Vy + AREA THAT MEASURES 
IN! A df (| 2”x3”, DRAW THE UGLIEST 
| j DATE YOU’VE EVER HAD OR 
_ ae | HOPE NOT TO HAVE. ALL 
\ NE ENTRIES RECEIVED BY 
We JULY 1, 1978 WILL BE 
cent i PRINTED IN AN UPCOMING 
ISSUE OF TRASH! 
las rE SEND TO— UGLY DATE UN-CONTEST, 
2 H Pa ‘ O05 c/o TRASH MAGAZINE, 
a rs 160 EAST 56th STREET. 


oi fu NEW YORK, N.Y. 10022 





&NOA 10} S400] Apoqou pue —yaes pue apiy Aejd noA 0g :Z7aS HSVH¥L 





NN ty, Wy, Wg it 


When the New York Yankees won 
_ the 1977 World Series,all they 
showed on TV was Reggie — 
Jackson dashing through a 
crowd of loyal fans, but boy, 

_ oh boy! Did you miss a mess of 
Stuff that was happening in — 
Yankee Stadium. . .TRASH gives 
- you a bird’s eye view of a wild 

and nutfilled nuthouse. 


WHAT ABC TV 
DID NOT SHOW 


i 
z 
$ 
; 
i 
a 
4 
id 
2 


YOU WHEN THE | 


YANKS BECAME 
WORLD CHAMPS 


Sorry, but 
my hands 
were very 


AS 


RetONG 


speey su Ind usw pepeey-pieq OMI UsYM :Z3S HSV¥. re 


Do you think Come on and 


we can get this 


girder in our Howard Cosell 


Lets get 

down on 

the field 
while there 
is still a field 


see 


They've stolen 
everything but 
Howard Cosell’s 
toupee. 


oie : 


eet / 44, : N 

Give ‘em time. 
They'll get 
that, too. 


Did you get 

y Yogi Berra’s 

a autograph? 
Hic!! Who ar : 

Won? Hic!! it (hick) 

was the 


Giants. 


ue « 


* oO 


a7: 


( Mo 
4=| Whatdidyou 
We hitmefor? |. 
by as j 
by, 


For telling me to 
put all my money 
- on the Dodgers. 


lets us kidnap © 


Good idea, 

Milt. Maybe £ 
A.B.C. will pay [] 
us to keep him, 


lull 
UL LLL 


cA Z (A 


_ Help!! I’ve 
just been 
robbed! 


Nis 
ti —o 





comeback | 
for your 
shorts. 


Where are 
you going gw 
with thosegpaty ~ | 
wheels? @&>\ 


\ 
Ty, 


y) 
No, but | 


x “} ‘ 
K y 
&) il 
om} 


I put all my 
money on the 
beer vendor 

(hic) (slurp) 


Shhhhil They'll | 


‘goin’ 
the Dugout. ps, 


here on the 
bottom of this 


gw) 


official 
scorer. He - 
gave an 
e error to 


ij 
her 


| gevetor_ | 


ASA 
RO Go 


Who’s that 
grave for? 
Wi » 


Os 


—— 


ai 
i 


yale 


i] 


im 
fe 


Yi) p © 
y” ANG aa 


Are you 
uckey Dent? 


AS 


, 


swipe N, " 
’ Ay J 
% 


Vee 


a Z ii 
\ Lee Wr" fy 
o } (Oui 
.Gimme 
a kiss, 


Where are you 
going with that 
Dodger player? 


MWK , 


So? 
i 


M/s ~ 


eifh 


AY 


| picked the 
Yanks! Won 
enough dough to 


Gee, Guys! I’m sorry | 
| bet on the missed that call at second! 


Dodgers! 


steal that 
home plate? 
He gota 
hit off our 
Mike 
Torrez. 


We're gonna fe Was 


burn him at Stop crying 


kid! I lost 


my house. & W7 
j we y 


M/ SF 
Le 


| have a gun 
Gimme your 


(G 
VA 
oly, 
*, ty 


a knife. 
Gimme your 


es 
G) 


¢ “he Lp 
ly 4 rte Evan sa 


| dunno even 
know you, but 
here’s my phone 
number. 


Dumb-DumbI!! 
The glove is 
still on 


Lets get out of 
here before the 
men in the white 
coats come. 


L WA 
CAN 


RN e/a 








Wow! Oh, boy!! Have we got a real inside article for you. It reveals 
all. “You are what you eat’”— Oscar Wilde or Count Dracula said that. 


Don’t be an outsider, come on in now. . .tead it, if you got the stomach 


for IC e. ; JNO 186 0} Burem uew pjo Auip e 
8,84843 Aog BunoA jn9-ueajo Asane episul !73S HSV Be 


FAMOUS X-RAYS _ 


CLARK KENT 


(SUPERMAN. . . 









4, 
WANK, 


s 
we 


Ch] 


e.. iZ% Ae 


O85) Ui Wa;qoid 
id :-ZAS HSVHL 


. f 
as Ss a, Hh 
Ves, a 

Svar 


I” 


— 2 Cut 
aoa? L i X 
| | 
NI 
Cosell’s stomach was a beaut: A dictionary, a Clark's belly looks like a junk yard: 8 slugs 


2°G uoBuiyseag ut sqof je way) 308 8H BIB 
luauAojdwaun ay} perjos sey 4829 UApISaL 


Semi 











The following items were found inside Dean: A 


shot glass, 35 wizzle sticks, 2 olives, a bow! of hat, {he said it was a bet). Also an X-ray pic- from a 30 calibre machine gun, a torpedo, 3 un- 
peanuts and a “Happy Times” ash tray, a Jack ture of his mouth showed a foot. . . explode handgranades, a spear head and a time 
; bomb. .. : 


Daniel's bottle cap. 


UL a A 2S \ 


ee 








BE [WW 


Joe's pix showed: A Wilson football, a football This monster's stomach was really far out: Part With old man music it was: Corn, square rolls, 





ie a ae 
So SM @ Pe Le 





shoe for left foot, 2 pounds of astro-turf, a © of Tokyo, a submarine, five members of the a piece of rum cake, a bunch of bubbles and a 
Utah basketball team and a road. . . lot of letters that spelled out “a-one, and a- 
two”. ; 


23 a 30 yard side-line marker. . . 








i 


Jimmy's insides are ‘ gourmet's delight: A Richard M‘s stomach is an eye-opener: 2 reels 
mess of peanut shells, chicken bones and tur- of tape, chop sticks, a football play, and a slice 
nip greens. Also a lot of campaign promises he of Pat's apple pié that never dissolved. . . : 


had to swallow. And a personally Bert Lance 
autographed photo, and a ham hock. . . 


-yyBiu ABG60j uo wy OUI uel 


= 
ef 
23 
=2$¢ 
HE 
358 
gi 
1H 
3 
1 
ge> 
ae 
gos 


i 
3 
: 
i 
i 
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i 


DAGWOOD’ q 
BUMSTEAD. . . fre INVISIBLE 


i ~ Poke 


_ Dagwood’s belly is a gas: 41 _ Nothing but air—and a jar of 
_ sandwiches, 3 quarts of soda, a _—s vanishing cream. . . 

roll of tums, a cook book anda 

written speech asking Mr. Dithers 

- formore money... | 


SSN 


EVEL 
KNEVEL. . . 


A mess: Broken ribs, a front 
wheel from bike, 3 rolls of band- 
ages, aspirins, and a “get well 
soon’ card... 


jU@sp}UD ANOA WO4} 31 9B NOA —Ateyipasey s) Auuesul :73S HSVUL 


Talk about crazy X-rays: 2 quarts of motor- 
cycle oil, goggles, a little black book, a comb 
and 12 parking tickets, and the remains of 29 
hamburgers. . . ; : 


““uvagvr-1nday 
W33uVy 


THE WRITER 
OF THIS 
ARTICLE. . . 


g 


An old joke book, Henny Young- 
man’s autograph, 3 switches on 
“Take My Wife—please” gag and 
@ pencil he’s been locking for 
formonthsandfotsofguts... 


EJ 











HERE SHE IS AGAIN, GANG!! AMERICA’S LEADING GAL INTERVIEWER —TRASH MAGAZINES _ 
STAR ROVING REPORTER, RAVISHING WORLD FAMOUS DOTTY BRINKLEY. 
', .COME ON NOW AND GET THE LOW-DOWN ON THE HIGH AND THE MIGHTIES.. . 


EN | ‘ey j2S4ly W943 0} 11 OP AjUO—NOA OJUN Op 
PR : Aayi pjnom NoA se ssoyi0 OUN 0G :Z3S HSVHL * 


Hello fans! Good to see you alll! 
This is Dotty Brinkley and I’m off 
to the four-corners of the world to 

talk with the much written about 

folks of the arts, politics, sports, 
business and show biz world. . .our 

first stop is with that talented and 























































































lovable TV duo, Dummy and Please, Hello, Tell me, About 8 
Marine Oszmudd!!! Dummy, act you great Dummy.How months. Sang ; 
your age—| big stars, old were you the “Anvil ' 
think it’s 6 or you! Glad when you Chorus” from 
71! Hi, I'm > to see started the opera “Car- 
Marine! yous singing? mine” while tap 








dancing and 
doing card 
tricks! 


















































When did | started later than How does it Remember, Dotty, 
"you start, Dummy. | must have feel to be money can’t buy 
Marine? been a year old. I can rich, happiness but it can 
let you know by looking famous, buy a lot of other 
at my bank book! rich, things—cars, houses, 
talented yachts, coffee. . . 
. and rich? CET 
But not 





brains; right 
meathead? 








What are 
your show 
biz plans 
when your 
performing 
days are 


| plan to direct. | would 
like to do a movie 
_ based onthe N.Y. 
telephone book. Not 
much of a plot but 
what a cast! 


of Oe et 

I'm just 
going to sit 
and count 
my money! 


Diet! For breakfast | 
have a cup of coffee. 
For lunch, milk and a 

fig. For dinner | eat 

big—a picture of a 

steak and french fries. 


figure, 
[ Marine? 


We rehearse 8 
days a week. 


How long 
do you 
rehearse 
for your 


TV show? That's O.K. 


Dotty. He 
still thinks — 
2 and 2is 5! 


make 
a lot of 
money on 
personal 
appearance. |. 


Didn’t |. once read 
somewhere, 
Dummy, that you 
wanted to have your 
own chicken farm 
after you retire? 


chick farm 
| like gals! 


that was _ 


Were your jj 


parents in 
show 
business? 


juoos ujeBe ajqenjen aq Aew 31—Aauow sno ares :73S HSVYL 


In the morning, | count 


you keep my money. In the after- 


in shape, 


And at night 


he liftshis - 


I'm not really this 
tall but | have so 
much money 
stuffed in my 
shoes, | look tall. 


noon, | pick up my bonds. 


Did you 
ever write 
asong, 
Dummy? 


No, but I~] 
| Once wrote | 
home for 
money! 


No, dad was a life 
guard in a. carwash 
and mom was a dress 
maker for a meat 
market. She made 
panties for lamb- 


1) Youngman 
1949. (sigh) } 


Don’t 
believe 
it, Dotty! 


hee-heeee 


yi 


4 by” 


wa 


Thank you, 
Dummy and 
Marine 
Oszmudd! I’m 
sure your fans 
were glad to 


meet you again! |. 


Ca 


Thank you, Dotty. 
Nice meeting you. 


Wanta- 
visit my 
bank vault? 





} Thank you Ms. 
Brinkley. How 
would you like to _ 


| ZL HTT 
INI | remiion ) 
: Lr : 

It's my pleasure to have 
you meet the chairman 
of the U.S. senate 
committee on swamps 
_and potholes, Senator 


Hornblower Q. Zexby! 


That's all right! | don’t What does Gettingtomy | Wall_new. arid tert | 
have a typewriter in my "your job office at least once _Send some of my voters 
consist of? a month. packets of flower seeds. 


l 


The ones who voted for me} 
twice get coffee grounds. 


What are the The window Do you believe Never. We should |. | In Central America near Yes, | do. 
members of your across from the U.S. should keep it. We built Columbia. You know In Ohio, 
committee on us. Wow! You give the Canal it, it’s ours. By where Columbia is, right? 


swamps and pot- should see back to Panama? the way, where's rs don’t you? 
holes looking into? those babes— Panama? 
stacked! 


None of “em. Only on special Thank you Senator 
(hic) | belong occasions— __ Hornblower Q. Zexby. 


vasa to Molly La drink? special 


member of? 

Republican, 
Democrat 
or Liberal? 


i f : I like to stuff You're welcome, 
Bello’s party occasions like things like Dotty. Can you 


(hic) it’s been when the bars turkeys, please point me in 

going on now ; are open. (hic) oo thicke and the direction of the 
for the last be allot boxalt uk? 5 Senate Office 

9 months. (hic) ae re Ce Building? (hic) 





Our next interview is 
with the hamburger 
king of the world, 
the president of 
“Soggey Star, 
Burgers,” Mr. Bob 
Ketchup! 


That's Bob 
Ketchum, 


Dotty. 
Ketchum! 


How did you | lopeneda - What's in your 
get startedin | | 


How many storesdo |] 9,903%. ne ee 
i store is in Rhode 
Can't tell you you have in your 
: burger secret f : 
small store in i ihn BD tant you pat it __chain? seg oe Lai 
the burger BS Lostshoe, y, in your car you y A 
game, Bob? prio hi PUN would get 60 an 
up with my —y Le miles to a 

secret sauce! s have stores 


You bet your 
world-wide? 


bun | do! Got 
‘em in France, 
Japan, Italy and - 
a couple in 
Brooklyn, N.Y. 
Next the moon! 


‘|spaeoysod ysn!—senous Moys 3,UOp SeUIIE YOUSIY -Z73S HSVHL 
On which item do : Speaking of 
you make your Neither. We cooks, where do 
biggest profit? make more money 
Hamburgers, 


you get your 
_ on the alka- 
french fries or ¢ seltzer—talk 


about bum cooks. 


From the army. Also If lwanted to own . 
some we find on skid one of your 3 
row. Work cheap and franchises, what have sour 
should | have? a ead 
examined. ; 


By the way, The malt ne pte 
Why are you machine is 
jumping 


| don’t know. | got so much 
broken and I’m 
around like 


- | luse book ends for a money 

are you 

: h? 

shaking up a bh 
new batch! 


Thank you, Bob Wanta see my 
Ketchum, King hamburger 
clip! of Burgers! 


etchings, 
You bet | am. I got 


money | haven’t even 
counted yet. 






















You bet I'ma’ 









For our last great artist. | 
interview, I’m can color A 
proud to present coloring book 
the greatest artist without going 
the world has ever i ines 

rasa vy outside the lines. 






Pablo Fenton. 
















Do you paint 
















Auge | paint in the 3 When did : 
in oil, hse Don't | paint men and women. you first dis- The day | spilled a can 
watercolor or wae fe etpelit “Men” on one door and , cover you of paint on a canvas and 
in tempra? on rev ale “women” on the other. fad talent somebody gave me 
for painting, 800 bucks for it. 


Pablo? 






















What school 




























































No school, No, | paint for What are 
do i ae but I did Alice's sake! dollars but ‘ul inca o 
romantic _finish She's my wife you must working a bite? 

oa talles ob kindergar- and she always you ever remember on now? 
igehican ten—took needs money! got for a it took me 
school! inne years painting? » 3 days to 
: complete 

the painting! 





> 






¢ res 





























Where were you 










Where | don’t know where art 














’ Se: Thank you, Pablo True and | 
: vote Pablo is art is going, but I’m going out Fenton! An artist don’t trace either! ’ 
| going? among artists! 


: and get me a drink. 


Any famous 
men born in 


, 





~Doall 
artists 
drink? 


| Does a fish fly? Does a bird 
| swim? Does a cigar box? 


ee 





A TRASH “Pp. 
Ci ut 46 a Mon 
ut k 





\, 
| al hE : 


Al THE PHONE 
GL 
"A 


| 
tA 


_ SOME PHONES ARE IN BUSINESS 


ee 


COUNT YouR CHANGE! \ %s 4 os — 


uy 
oe 
re 
ae 
3 
ra 


qd siti dO LN 
xa. anvH 


AQV3a B9NVHOD 19 


oas3a 





iio 2 
J79S iim 100 








XY. 


ee : 


rrr 


aoe 
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en 






UP IN THE AIR 


| Wayne war movies. 


MOST SHAVES WITH 
ONE RAZOR BLADE 
“Donald Locust of Side Saadle, 
Arizona got 137 shaves out 
of a single blade (also 23 
stitches). Mr. Locust is also 
known to many people as, 
“E] Cheapo.” He once used a 
bar of soap for 4 years. His 
_ other nickname is “El Stinko”. 





FIRST DOG 10 KNOW W HOW 70 

DRIVE A CAR OR FIRE TRUCK 

From 1943 to 1946, “Laddie Boy” drove old Number 4 

for the Rockland, Tenn. Fire Dept. in 1947, the police 
took away his driver’s license for running over cats. 














Lt. Ralph Smalley and Major Charles S. Murtaugh stayed 
aloft in their Dive Bomber for 39 hours and 52 seconds 

» (1943). They couldn’t land because their ex-wives were 
waiting for them, to collect their back alimony. Lt. Smalley 
, and Major Murtaugh never took a flying lesson in their 
ives, but they did see a lot of Errol Flynn and John 





YOUNGEST MAJOR LEAGUE PLAYER 

Eddie “Peewee” Hogarth was only 11 years old when he 
went to bat for the old St: Louis Browns (Aug. 3,'1936). 

_He homered off N.Y. Yankee lefthander, Carl “Little Train” 
Rotorooter. He never played again. His parents didn’t like 
the number the team gave him. (The N.Y. catcher, sbi eg 
Hickey was 13 years old). 





PARKING LOT ATTENDANT WHO WRECKED MOST CARS 

Nevil Noddleman of Cripplenostril, Mont. while employed at the Golden Hour 
Restaurant destroyed 27 cars belonging to customers in one week. 

Mr. Noddleman is on the right and the man strangling him is 


~ Leo Pavlov. who went berserk when he discovered what Nevil did 


je0e} INOA JoquiawWa JB9ARU y,Aeu, —10BBnw ssajdo} 8 £q—SsIID :X3S HSVHL 


to ii vs a for ue Buick. 





BIGGEST SELLING 
RECORD STAR 

Johnny Zapp’s recording of - 
the hit tune “Rock Around 
The Tomb” has sold more 
than 27,000,000 copies 
(mostly in Transylvania). 


Under My Skin And You 
Certainly Are Lumpy” is 
moving up the charts. 





His new disk, “I’ve Got You - 








: Pe re RY 


EARLIEST KNOWN 
~ DRAG RACES 
- December 8, 1883. 
In this rare photo are 
the participants, 
- (on the ground, left 
to right) Billy Flimper, 
Melvin “Doc” Kubeck 
and Floyd Zink. The 
. winner by a hand was 


- Flimper. First prize 
was a new pair of pants. 





































Murphy’s Bar and Grill. ll drink to that. 


THE WORLD’S 
_ LOUDEST SNORING 

Robinson Zitts of Chickenliver, 
New Hampshire snores so 
loud that he once broke a 
mirror in a house 10 blocks 
away. On a clear night, aman © 
in Wetwash, N.J. heard 
him. His wife, Susan, now 

. Sleeps with cotton in her ears 
and in an apartment in 
Boylestown, Mass. (She 
divorced him in 1974) 


LEAST YARDS-GAINED 


STAYING AFTER SCHOOL 
In one year, (1933) Billy and Eva Hillsby 
had to stay after school 187 times. Their 


teacher, Mr. Marcus Groucho claimed they SEASON (PROS) 
were the worst students since Bonnie and Fullback, Ollie “Butterball” 
Clyde Barrow graduated. Mr. Groucho said Muddy of the old Boston 


he didn’t mind when Billy and Eva put tacks 
on his chair, but when they placed a 
_bear-trap there, that was too much. 


Hernias made only 4 yards 
for the entire 1939 season. 
His longest run was 6 feet. 
His shortest, 2 inches. In 
1940, Muddy was traded 
to the Brooklyn YUZ’s for 
95 cents and a bag of 
dried walnuts. 


- 





~ FIRST MEN ON THE MOON 
The three were from left to right, John D. Zelmo, Larry 
Carnera and Lieutenant Walter Flappable. The date, 
December 9, 1956. The daring three built their own rocket & 
from parts they bought from any army, navy surplus store 
and smiling Sam’s used car lot. Zelmo, Carnera and 
Flappable say they are next going to land on mars as soon 
as they can save up enough money to buy 900 gallons 
of gas. 








‘FALLING DOWN THE MOST TIMES IN A SOCCER GAME 
Current record holder is Ralph Kreplock of the Kingston, 

Ontario, Canada Plumbers. On Feb. 19, 1968, he fell down 

36 times—17 times in the game and 19 times in 









WORLD'S LARGEST 
PENCIL SHARPENER 


Built in 1953, the giant 
pencil sharpener is the 


’ property of Rice Tycoon, 


Wong Wing Weissmuller 
and stands on his vast . 
estate in Silver Swamp, 
Wyoming. It measures 
25 feet high and comes 
in three parts and cost 
Weissmuller 7 bucks. 
(The 2,000 peons 


were extra). 
aE, 


@ D 


A recent survey taken by the PTA (Parents, Teachers and Alcoholics) shows that most High School 
___ students do not participate in such sports as basketball, football or baseball. In fact many teenagers don’t 
go out for anything athletic. You know why? Well, we'll tell you why. They just don’t like basketball, football, 
_ baseball, tennis or flipping back spins in gym. TRASH has come up with some new sports and games that we 
are sure will make a big hit with the under grads. . . : 


THE GAMES 
TEENAGERS PLAY 


“ayes ayy ul u dee noA —iojeieBujesoyp udeey 


,Uop nod skepemou ‘yBiy Os sijeeu jo coud ey :ZISHSWUL 


IL bet even If Johnny wins I’m going to I'll drink 
ne ebiest of ths event eto Dean Martin can’t claim a foul because his father \\ 10 that. (hic) 
[ewhocanGurenenmy | ‘ossitthisfar. i is a bartender 
beer can the longest dis- 
__ tance. Recently a member of 
Looney Sports ‘put’ a beer 
can 27 feet 6 inches which 
_ wasn't easy because he 
forgot to let go of the can. 


sc 


I swallowed 7 
mexican jumping 
A beans betoreI got here. }\ a= the 
co lara cle Ben Ns : 77 GS) = ld * / are Trash dash. 
_ 50 yards in the fastest time. Y CL: 
_ Remember, fans,to take the 
‘trash out before you get in. 


TRASH BASKET [> oe eee 


No, no, Berkly, I gotta go ona }: The next 
feet first. diet next week. | event will 


RACE 


I’m going kX 
x stir crazy. 


eS. Blows 


S NN 


PHONE CALLING... 78603965913. That Her first She’ll win. She has the 
was just the area N wordsasa W__ strongest dialing finger 
In the quickest time a person . x code, . .90038936254 baby were, in the West. 
has to complete aphonecall )\ WN Ww 67938753289. . -hello “Hello 
toa friend at least 1,000 miles) S/ ry \ Hong Kong? operator”’ Who are 
_ away. This record is held by wae you goin 
Molly Fender of Boston who WS 
talked to a Miss Helen 
Blabbermouth in Chicago — 
for 151 minutes. : 













HAIRCOMBING ~~ 
In one hour, the teenager who strokes his or her hair the most 
times is declared the winner. No baldheaded students may et 


~ SANDWICH-LIFTING. . . 

The first person who can lift and eat 20 peanut butter, jelly, and 
pickled herring sandwiches wins. If you belch, you are disqualified 

- immediately. 


(Gulp) I once ate What’s 














N 
N 











































I knew I 26 sand- first Look at 
wiches andI |) prize? A Call the Doc all that 
hadthat |) havethe | stomach I think I confetti. 
hero for lunch.{) hospital bill AV 


strained my wrist. 
to prove It. 4 
NN ca 


N 


Lg 


ee UMM’: 
|—CLYYtzxza 
MMe 





















I’d do better I once sat for ve been here so N 









SITTING 






ae if they’d put 2 days straight- ong now that I 
lebcm omnis cules wise aTVsetin |] some wise guy put 
chairs to see which one can front of me. |) glue on the chair. 
sit the longest time without \- (CEASE < —_ 








falling asleep. A Billy Q. 
Jimenez of Floptown, N.J. 
once sat for 9 days but this _ 

record was disqualified 
when it was discovered that 
Billy had been dead for 

5 days. : 





















Downhill, I 
hope. I could 


Look a turtle is 
moving faster 


100 YARD WALK 


As many as wish may enter 





© 

vl : 

a : nay e (puff) not walk100|} than we are. 

3 this contest. The idea isto yards uphill. (puff) 

§2 — see howlongit takes a fen ng 

£8 person to walk 100 yards. ~ | as 

3 £ The record was set in 1973 

3 by Oscar Zillings. He is still 

ee walkin 

ne 8 ig. 

ye : 

a 

a2 

Eo ~ 
tae eee NOTHING 

ee PAPERCLIP THROW | The Rules are the same astheones 


_ senators and congressmen use. 





-_Underhand a student tosses a paperclip the farthest he or she 
| _can throw it. (No spitball clips, please.) 
Lonce tossed a Te Next week I’m entering in ~ 


paperclip but J pencil javelin throw. 


hurt myself. Pe TI AW . 


N 


at 








t \ 


Americans are on a health kick. You see them out on the 
streets jogging. . .in health spas exercising. . dieting to take = 
off ugly extra pounds. . .folks are trying many different 

kinds of health foods like wheat germ, and soy beans, but — af DA mM IT 
the big food fad nowadays is yogurt. That gooey-ickey stuff YOGURT 
/s selling like hotcakes. . .Trash magazine serves you up a Bio uscuan 
king-size spoontul of . . rbever 


DAMIT, YOGURT! © 


On TV, they show you a Lipsy AMHA ge a 
. O3SEHCb OTA e claims I 
commercial about a bunch of XPOHOME vat!| | hasa cheer. 
Russians who eat yogurt and 1 










* 

ROTHING IMITATION: 

BLO TASTE THIS , 
ROTTEN 
















AbAEMOKATbCob | 
AHEBYAR Wo gy! if 












































“Ee ful taste ; ! 
ara Boris says 
are all over 100 years young. . . “gn : that gives dba 
IPADAH PAGETA Translation: him pep Yogurt” is 
HA PABOUIO sIO3E -He says “lam 110 and vigor. F : 
by tikes cag oi y: | his favorite 
cae years old. Damit and.where 
gah eta Yogurt tastes is his 


check?” 





















Trash magazines’ health Yogurt is made from the milk 
' aia from the mi 
editor, Zelda Builtright, of cows, goats and yaks!.The 
will now give ashorthis- _ milk is boiled until most of the 
tory of yogurt... water is out. . about 93 days. 


Next, they let it sit 
around till it becomes. 
sour or until the Board 
of Health comes. 




















Thank you yogurt 
lovers! Yogurt was 
first eaten by an 
ancient Armenian, 
_Deblo Zunkzazbabo. 
He got out of the © 
hospital 8: weeks 


TRASH SEZ: Money talks. Now it says, “Good Bye”’ 





Itis often eaten 
with strawberries, 
peaches, pears, 
blueberries and is. 
followed by Alka- 
Seltza. . .(Burp) 


Mr. Zellson, do you 
eat yogurt? 


Yes, and when the 
wife ain’t looking, 
pork chops and 
hotdogs and pizza 


Please, Mr. 
Zellson, you just 
ate my shoe! | 


Delicious too! 
Size 6A wasn’t it? 





Yogurt is a great treat with many people in 
Turkey, Poland, Iran, Armenia, Russia and with a 
bridge club in Yonkers, New York. People eat 
yogurt when they go on a diet. I'd like you to 
meet Mr. Hugo Zellson who went on a diet 13 

months ago! ; 


Food! Food! I'll 
eat anything. 
Give me a chair 
- leg or a car fender. 
I'm starving! 


You bet! 
Hee-Hee! 
They can 
go Hee- 
Haw nuts 
- cee like me. 
309 pounds! Iwas | a Food! Food! 
- so fat, little kids 7 © ge re 
would feed me — \ 
peanuts. 


——g ~ 


recommend 
the yogurt 

diet to other 
fat lards? 


How much weight 
have you lost on 
‘ your yogurt diet? 


“pooB s| seuG ayy) UaYM s}e9 AjuO ays “1281p 12816 e UO yUEM MoU aM [eB y :Z743S HSVHL 
Thank you, 
Mr. Zellson. 
Yogurtcando | 
wonders for you too, for me! 


What is your 
favorite flavor of 
yogurt? 


Gin! | get my 
yogurt from 
Dean Martin. 


has done 


dearest reader. | ‘(Oweee) 





Cth 


Wena, 


alias en 


I 


re 


















(MORE HALE TRASH... 1088 ALONG wav 


Lees : *, heen V\ 





In the year 2001, in the 
planet Taruzozgosh, a 
group of scientists are 
waiting for the return of 
a rocket they sent to | 














Leh 
[ALGAR ICD 

BOR ohh PREM | 
TAM? SOT MI) 1} 


They are now convinced that no 
intelligent life is on earth. 



















‘u@pso jeaneqeudie ul—dnos yeqeyudje siy s}ee oym auoauios —japRas 4se1 1, BRAGA Y *ZaS HSVHL 









What really happened to 
. Jack and the Beanstalk 











| 
ace Yl 





aan 


HALF TRASH: Two For THE PRICE OF ONE! 


Man! That's no 
white tornado! 
It’s only me puffing 
up a storm! 
_ And it’s coming from 
that house over there, 
Kelley! 


a 

\S oR jeeen 

Sa my / GAS 
SLX) 


J lo7 


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$5 
$ 


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SSOSSS SOIC f 


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“S8U0}s5 Moy 
See HSyu, 





Nothing, but if it does, tell them to 


If you ask me, all the turkeys aren’t out there i 
“me back on the heart-lung machine. 


in television land. They‘rein here. asked you. 


Hey there, all you turkeys out 
there in television land, are you 
ready to play America’s funnest 

game? You bet you are or you 

wouldn’t be watching, would 
you? Ha ha ha ha, Hot damn, 
am | funny. Well, get ready for 
another uproarious. . .golly, 

that’s a big word, hahaha. . . 

fun time with me, Bill Bland, 
the King of Kwiz Komedy, and 

my sidekick and old pal, that 
famous former fullback for the 

Filadelfia Farquarts, Phil Ford, 
the man who made the inguinal 

rupture a household word. 
Take it away, Phil baby. 


would you 


7 DNOM ONDA . Did you know [fe Bin Did 
Waa SHL SI ‘ 4 that watching Bland somebody 
an This show is full 


say this This ain't the 
asked you him one. is the pits? pits. The pits is of something and 


NIWV Idi < ‘ Ooooh, Bill Bland, too much of this 
foradate? Il) with pits, d : full of coal. it ain't coal. 


he reminds me of my junk makes your 
hot water bottle. ‘| brain go soft? 


Hi there, game show fans and 
welcome to another swell, really 
funny repetition of last week’s show 
pew sonau ane pInom SH which was just as. . .chuckle. . . 


-sonyod s Aepor Uta! ? j ilari 
sonyod s At wey AAU :Z3S HSVBL ; ‘ @ j hilarious as the one before that. . . 


*9l| @ pjoy 1eneU uoiBurysen 281089 


totes ; Whose idea 
was it to use 
old athletes as 
television 
announcers? 


* last 
week's 


everybody else fj your uncle 
had a real job. Ronald? 





Hey, thanks, Phil, baby. 
And now, on with the 
show. Tonight, the 
makers of Chinpers, the 
mini-diaper for dribbling 
chins, proudly presents 
the finals of the All Star 
Everything Already 
Went with:two great 
teams contesting for 
who can look most like 
an idiot in front of a 
national television 
audience. : . 


Coming back to defend their 
title as the country’s biggest 
fools are Team Captain Billy 
Peanut and his team of 
intellectuals, the Moppits. . . 





Hi there, I'm Billy 
Peanut and if you 
don’t like what 
I've got to say you 
can kiss my 
husk, . .and 
besides that, 
what this country 
needs is a new 


4 
I think they should give Bill 
Bland an honorable mention for 
that title. 


| think they should give 
him an unmentionable 


He's makin’ me 
look like an idjit. 
Jus’ last week | 
ast him to make a 
donation to the 
Endangered 
Species 
Foundation and 
he gimme a check 
for the Save the 
Jackass Fund. 
Heckitydarn, they 
ain't endangered 


What's wrong 
with the one 
we got, Billy 


Like shining his teeth 
with Mop and Glo so that 
his lips slip shut. 


Now | see what 
they mean when 
they say don’t run 
for prezdint if 
you're not an only 
child. Who else do 
we have, Phil? 


! told him to say that to 
give the show some class. 


But the Poseidon sank. 
Cameraman: Sank? | 
thought they said stank. 


Well, hi there, Bill and hi there 
out there... .oh, | already said 
that. . .Here it is. Challenging this 
week’s champions are the stars of 
everybody's favorite television 
situation comedy, The Evening 
News. . .ha ha, | just threw that 
in to be funny. 


0.K., Phil, baby, and 
whoooco000've we 
got for this week's fun 
filled version of Gone 
With The Wind? 

“g 


The only thing 
that would 
give this show 
class is a trip 
on the S.S. 
Poseidon. 


Be funny one more 
time and I'll throw 
you out. I'm 
supposed to be funny 
on this show. 


. «and, er, | don’t 
seem to have your 
“S deure name. 
like to share a 
Wl, . .ha ha ha. 


Sticks and 
stones may 
break my 
bones, but 
you're gonna 
get a knee 
tight in your 
change 


y . » Jaclyn Smythe, 
witha Y. 


No wonder we 
never see you, 
you're ugly. 


oe Here they are, the stars, 
of Marvin's Angels, 
Crate Jackson, 


Ora why 


I'd like to go for a not? Ha ha ha. 


tide in that crate, 

Of course you 

don’t. do. I'm 
Marvin. 


Hey, girls, look 
who's emceeing 
“| this show. . .it’s 
. Gumby. . .ina 


How would 
youliketogo , 
for aride ina hot 
air balloon, you 


249 DeSoto? 


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On with the show. 
Your first challenge 
is designed to test 
your reflexes, your 
strength, your 
stamina and above 
) all, your intelligence. _ 


default, 
we 
forget 
our 
intelligence. 


SS 


The champion is off! And now,.for you viewers at home who are 


Wilt the Slosh in the Whiskey Rebellion. . .Now he’s switched to the 
Dizzy Sidestep. . .it looks like he’s going to make it. . .his left foot 
trails his right foot, or is it the other way around? Oh, oh, the 


champion iss . . 
“ 


Now that you're ahead, maybe 
you'd all like to come down to my 
dressing room to relax. 


When the gun 
goes off, | want 
you girls to 
dazzle them with 
your good looks 
«+ .then I'll 
knee him in the 
change pocket 
when he isn’t 


He 
said 
intelligence, 
Here | am. 


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Maybe you'd like to be a guest 
on our show, we need somebody 
who's full of gas for the Rolaids 
commercial. 


The first team to 
successfully send one 
of its members 
across the floor with- 
out bumping into the 
lightpole wins the 
first round. Are you 

“ ready? 


Would 
you read 
the rules 


I'd say it would take 
about ten Rolaids to 
consume that much 


Let's 
move on 
to the next 
challenge, 


If any of you 
, bump into that 
pole, | wring 
your neck with it? | don’t think 
they'Ilet you 
do a pole-ish 
choke on tv. 


.. disqualified 
and Marvin's Angels 
leap into the lead. 


If it's a real pole, 
it must have come 


from Poland. It’s not a real pole, 


it’s a light pole. 


Where'd this 
milkdrinkin’ thang 
come from? 





And what is the degree of This is a tough one, Bill. 
difficulty for this one, Phil? Each team will have to get 
: inside this cardboard box getting into It's not the box 
and keep it balanced on the that until that’s swaying, Billy, 


it’ | When you've been 
floor for seconds. Degree 7 it's the floor. j : This is our chance to | Youd 
of difficulty: 9!!! pends 4 sucking on a gas i ‘ou do and the 


hie : . holdsit still. pipe as long as he get even, girls. Get first thing 
has, the whole Hig tee : you'll know will 
world gets dizzy. | : ———, | be the last thing 

f eB you know. 


I'm not 


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The challengers have lost | 
this round, folks. That The best exciting. 
i | means the winner will be thing that And what's 
Did somebody say some- AN \ \ \ | decided by a winner take | could the 
thing about my boxer shorts? | ; : "all, no holds barred, | happen to contest, 
sudden death contest, thisshowisa ff] ppilp 
| sudden } 
death. 


Who stole 
the men’s room? 


Yeah, the next time 
you send them to the 
laundry, get out of 
them first. 


Don't worry, 
I'll save you, 
sweetheart. 


Open brain surgery! Folks, 
with a degree of difficulty And who wil 
of 847,523,000, this contest ; the lucky : : 
will decide the national recinientof this MTW3x 
All Star champion until free surgery. . . f SI SNOTWIS 
we get another batch of ~ fj 3 of oh... a ‘ aie 
celebrities to make idiots of ‘ 
themselves. 


' don't see what he’s so d My mom had . ‘| After she had 
afraid of. If he doesn’t cat brain surgery ‘ you, I don’t 
survive, he won't have to N 7 blame her, 

ie ‘ ; If we do a good 

emcee this show anymore. \ { ; Oooh, he we 

’ “| reminds me of fob, maybe 

‘my Dentucreme. they'll give us 

t an American 


Shucks, brain surgery 
is easy. It don’t hurt a 
tall after the first the 
first kick. 





fs 84 
\ ie 


we're getting near the finish now, 


And now folks, here’s the play by play. Billy Peanut has just led off Cwo7 , : q : folks. From here it looks even. Billy 
pal tps : Peanut’s All Stars have removed a set of 


with a nine iron to the scalp. . .Crate Jackson counters with a karate 
chop to the ear and. . .my gosh, how exciting. . .Ugly Moppit went ingrown braces while Marvin's Angels 
after the other ear with a pork chop. . .now Billy Peanut’s team is have extracted a bottle of vanilla... . 
going in with a beer can opener. . .while Marvin’s Angels are . vanilla extract, get it? Ha ha! Now Billy 
tightening their grips on their purses for a volley of thriling forearm : 4 Peanut’s All Star team leaps ahead by 
smashes to the earhole. . . 1 d sy “ Z removing Bill Bland’s wisdom tooth 
which is very, very small, and his 
ignorant tooth which is very large, Wait 
aminute, Marvin's Angels have just 
located Bland’s sense of humor and it's 
dead, folks. 


Great Scot! This is terrible. Bill Blandis. . :they’ve taken. . . 
there’s nothing left. . .oh, folks, this is just awful. Bill Bland, _ 
the world’s most brilliant kwiz show emcee has been stripped 
of everything he had. . .(which admittedly wasn’t much to 
x f begin with). . .and has been reduced to a mere shell of his 
What do you like best -Is it over soon? I've : : ~ former self. Bill. . .Bill. . speak to us. . .say something. . . 
about this show? got to be home by ] YY: ( . oh, gosh, folks, he'll never be able to get a real job again now 
dawn. I'lido the gags Kr RY that all of his wit and intelligence and crisp humor are gone. 


on this show, Say something, Bill. 


Go suck a 


It makes me forget. . . ‘ 
neck-tarine. 


* — forget. . .tarnation, | 
forgot what it makes me 


It looks like it’s 
going to be a 

_ draw, folks. 

Both sides have 

done a beauti- 
ful job. Let's 

see if | can just 
get a look in 
here and. . . 


Isit 
And now, heeeee neat 
nnnnny! If yer kin is prezdint, 
aye ck # [ sellin’ beer is alla 
good ole boy kin do 
ta keep his self 





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OH-GEE, MA, WHY Sox 


CAN'T I HAVE CEREAL ®XSx< x 
OR BREAKFAST LIKE K&S CAN-IT! 


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hee erarlivets Sere! BREAKFAST 
6% BEFORE IT 

Ww] GETS COLD: 


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INKS TO DAN GROSSO-BUFFALO, NEW YORK 


PLANET ZERAG, TAKE A CELSIUS |) = 1 

TEMPERATURE READING, A SOIL / : CAN-IT! 

TEST AND A TH.L. COMPREHENSIVE — an ROT vee 
ese ( SuIt YET ! 


Say 


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ek 


HANKS TO LENNY 





THIS BEATS DIGGING DITCHES DEPT. 


Send in your “TRASH CAN-ITS”. The ones), ,, TRASi'¢ ie 
Norman Nebish thinks are the dumbest ee blishing (=: 


; ; : 0 
will be drawn up for this page and will Nev, 2 “St 56 Stiga. Inc. 
have your name, as the creator, on it N. 
Oh, yes, we'll also send you a check for $5.00 


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